I’m not a nice guy.  But, I do pride myself on being fair.   If I pick on someone, I expect them to do the same, there is no double-standard in humor.

However, where I find myself lacking in being a human is playing with the animals down by the watering hole (read: Xbox Live).  I believe that there are violations to which Xbox Live removal should be mandatory.   If I haven’t been talking trash, playing respectfully, there’s no reason to act like your mother never loved you.

Presented, for approval, are the Xbox Live Commandments…

1. Thou shalt not send invites for Xbox games after the sequel has been released for Xbox 360.  It is beyond comprehension.
2. Thou shalt not send invites while someone is “Watching DVD/Movie”.  It is akin to talking during a movie in a theatre.
3. A maximum of two invites are permitted to a gamer currently engaged in a match.  It’s possible during the aftermath of the firefight they have forgotten about your invite and a reminder is permitted.
4. Thou shalt make use of the “Mute” function on the headset.  Talking on the phone or anyone not on Xbox Live while your headset is transmitting is grounds for booting from the party.  Nobody cares what ‘everyone’ is doing later.
5. Thou shalt respect the GamerChix (this applies to all women gamers, PMS, etc).  This rule does not supercede all other rules.  Exceptions to this rule are permitted for any gamer breaking the other commandments.
6. Thou shalt not mistake Xbox Live for a dating service.  This includes improper use of the video camera.
7. Thou shalt not take the game seriously.  It is a game.  Some people are better than others at playing the game.  Unless you get paid for playing games, bragging about how good you are via Matchmaking just makes you look silly.

These are in addition to the general Video Game Console Commandments, where you might remember such laws as the “Sweaty Hands” edict of 1986–any person with excessively sweaty hands, must supply their own controller.

Do you have Halo Fever? Seeing blue glowing spots? Locking on with your knife before cutting something? Constantly wondering where you are only carrying two things at any one time? I recommend BioShock for temporary relief!

I heard so much about this “genetically enhanced super shooter”. Alright, we GET IT, it’s “revolutionary”, Ooo. But, I was quickly silenced. A mere one level into renting this game I just wanted to play another. It’s not just the gameplay, it’s EVERYTHING.  I had to purchase it before my rental period was even up.

While the game is quite linear, exploration of the world is encouraged for extra resources. From the opening scene to your first plasmid (genetic powerup), you want to immerse yourself in the world of Rapture…

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I’m not a typical gamer. By that, I mean, I do not play every crappy game that’s put out on the market solely because I feel the need to play different games. I am, however, very elitist when it comes to my gaming. I’ve played a handful of games in my 20+ years, mostly the “greats”: Doom, X-Com: UFO Enemy Unknown, Dune II, Starcraft, Warcrafts, Quake 1 and Quake 3, GTA 3 and GTA:SA, and the Halo Trilogy (I plan to play the final one when it’s released). That’s about it. I don’t have time for second rate games by second rate companies.

With that said, I have just spent about $5000 on my living room solely for the purpose of my entertainment:

• Xbox 360 Premium with HDMI
• 42″ LCD Sharp Aquos widescreen TV
• Leather reclining sofa
• A 1 and a 1/2-sized reclining chair (dubbed “The Cuddler”)

And the game I’ve found myself most playing is Ms. Pac-Man from the Xbox Live Arcade.

On an unrelated note, my girlfriend noted that Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man had a kid. “Shameful,” she says. She prefers Bejeweled 2.